March 12th Full Moon in Virgo…The Last of Our Winter Cycle…

 

 

Oh mother oh moon in the dark of the night

I hear your howls, I see your tears shinning bright

Moon beams piercing me with a force no one can see

But I feel you in my being, I am you and you are me

Tonight I will howl back to you, let my voice send shivers abound

Tonight I will dance for you, Whirling about like a merry go round

Tonight I will gather from the unknown realms

The witches and wizards whom heal sacred grounds

In your full moon light you will see them shine bright

Releasing their magic, keepers of the night

My denuded being reflecting to you

the powerful paleness that makes you, you

My bumps and my bruises, my wounds deep with pride

Soak up that sweet nectar your moon beams provide

Opalescent moon dew, rejuvenate my soul

Sending me off down that ole rabbit hole

Come morning awakened by the dawns early sun

Your faintness still lingers, a lover on the run

Wanning and waxing until we are one.

full-moon-in-virgo

 

 

This month’s full moon on March 12 is referred to in English cultures as the Lenten Moon or the last full moon of the winter season. Known to Native American cultures as the Big Winds Moon, Worm Moon or Crow Moon as it is during this time of year that the ground begins to soften, worms begin to reappear and the crow’s caw signals the end of the snow. You may also hear it as the sap moon or sugaring moon marking the start of maple tree tapping.

The naming of the moons originates from cultures who do or did not follow the Julian or Gregorian calendar system (most specifically Native Americans). They track time through the seasons and the lunar cycles.

Not only is the moon important in the tracking of time and seasons, but in Native American cultures the moon is a large part of the medicine wheel and the culture’s astrological beliefs. Per the medicine wheel there are three moons assigned to each direction and spirit keeper of the wheel.

Starting in the North, the first moon of spirit keeper Waboose lands on Winter solstice, marking the time of year for rest and renewal. The three moon cycles of the north allow time to contemplate the growth and change that occurred in the previous year and prepare for what is to come in the year ahead.

As we approach this month’s full moon in Virgo we are closing this time of restoration and preparing to enter the cycle of Wabun, spirit keeper of the East. Our spring moons mark a time of bringing fourth our inner wisdom as we sprout into our fullest potential by summer.

According to the medicine wheel, people born during this moon cycle are represented by the cougar animal totem. It is said that these people contain the inner power to be of great healers which also aligns with western astrology’s Virgo Archetype of a nurse or healer.

The celestial energy of this Virgo moon is said to bring awareness to what it is we need to let go of in order to blossom into the spring months. This moon may bring about frustrations towards our faults and flaws, but if looked at with the right perspective, can be seen as aspects of our selves that need to be healed, released or let go of in order to continue the cycle of growth.

The energy of Virgo is very grounded in nature and has a keen critical eye… tuning into these aspects while sorting through what needs to go, will allow you to stay centered and not get lost in the emotional side of bringing awareness to the frailty of unhealed wounds.

By tapping into the energy of this month’s moon, you may find it comes natural to spark up your inner warrior strength and use that power to heal those wounds before entering the spring cycle.

Although this energy is present from the start of the moon cycle (new moon) till the start of the next cycle, it is at its strongest during the full moon. Upon entering a new moon, it is a time to plant our seeds and cultivate our manifestations we want present during this cycle. Once we reach our halfway point, the full moon is a time of culmination. It is when her energy and power is at its peak. The full moon light in all her glory illuminates the things in our lives that are holding us back from reaching our full potential. She Illuminates the aspects of our lives that are no longer serving us and she brings to focus that which we need to let go of.

Representing a time of death or change, releasing our shadows during the full moon allows room for the seeds planted during the new moon to blossom.

Not only is this entire moon cycle supporting what needs to be healed and let go of, but the power of the full moon we will have this weekend, will illuminate that theme even more, allowing us to connect with our inner wisdom and strength that will open us up to the possibilities of spring time.

 

So this weekend if you are feeling the call of the moon I suggest a little moon ceremony or ritual to help you tap in to this powerful lunar energy.

In the past few months I have been considering and researching different Moon rituals and ceremony’s. There is so much information on the internet today it can be a bit overwhelming when researching such a topic. I found myself coming across many rituals that were all very similar but unique in their own way.

So how do you choose?

For starters, always remember there is no right or wrong way to communicate and call upon the moon. Her force is with us always controlling the tides of the ocean, and controlling the tides of our lunar cycles. She is a part of us and we are a part of her.

I feel it is important to foster your personal relationship with the moon. We are all different… We tune into energy in our own ways, we give and receive in our own ways, we communicate in our own ways so find what works for you.

The one universal aspect of all rituals I have found is creating your sacred place to perform the ritual, as well as writing down what it is that you need to let go of and burning it during your ceremony.

Aside from those two things do what works for you!

Create a sacred place that contains your power tools… Your favorite crystals, your favorite candles, your favorite essential oils and incense, music, tarot cards, singing bowls or bells, sacred herbs to be smoked or burned etc.

For me personally my sacred space is my altar and meditation zone. It is the space I spend my waking minutes, as well as the minutes leading to sleep each night…

Here is an overview of my personal full moon ritual…

  1. Preparing my space:because my altar is always set up, for me my preparation includes revisiting what I planted during the new moon and writing on a piece of paper what it is I am letting go of, pouring a glass of water (to put burned paper in), rolling a joint with marijuana and lavender, lighting my incense, applying essential oils, lighting my candles and smudging myself, my altar and my tarot cards with sage.

Some say that white candles and crystals as well as lavender and frankincense are best, as white represents lunar power and the scents are associated with the moon, but again I say use whatever speaks to you (to me that is what will be most powerful).

 

I then smoke the first half of my joint as I clear my head space and begin imagining the moons light shining down through the top of my head and spreading throughout my entire being.

 

  1. Prayer: I begin with three Oms as I feel it ignites my inner power and I then recite a prayer, chant or poem (as some may call it). The prayer I now use is one I wrote during January’s Wolf Moon which is written at the start of my post…
  2. Tarot:Shuffling my Angle Oracle cards, I call upon them to connect with the lunar energy surrounding me and focus on what it is I am letting go off. I ask my cards to guide me in moving on from those things. I then lay a past, present, future spread. I interpret the cards as follows:
  • Past: energies that have been let go of or that need to be put in the past
  • Present: where you are at in your spiritual journey, what energy you hold within yourself to guide you
  • Future: the energy the full moon is guiding you with
  1. Release:After my reading I then read aloud the words I have written on my paper and with each thing to let go of I finish with “Be Gone”. I then burn the paper, placing it in the glass of water as it nears the end. If I am really feeling it, at this time I will let out some howls to the moon! 😊
  2. Closing:I then smudge myself and my altar again with sage as I feel it aids in the release of what was written on paper, ridding yourself of any lingering energy that may not have burned in the fire. I then smoke the second half of my joint while I express gratitude to my angles, my spirits and of course Mama de La Lune

 

Happy howling moon goddesses!!!

 

The Holistic Conquering of My Ongoing Battle with Nicotine…

Nicotine… for any of you who are users Im sure you can relate to the intense love hate relationship I have had with it over the last few years… A relationship that thankfully did not start until my early twenties, but when it finally did conspire it was hot and heavy from the get go!

As a child, I always hated cigarettes. My parents were heavy smokers, and I remember in my really young years having an irrational fear of walking outside one day and finding them dead on the porch because their cigarette killed them right on the spot.

I remember multiple times throughout my childhood hiding my parent’s cigarette butt container, throwing their cigarettes away, breaking them, and dipping them in water… I was so happy the day my parents finally quit smoking!

But for some reason, even with all that hate towards those little cancer sticks, I always had it in my head that it was cool to smoke… I thankfully steered clear of those little bastards longer than most, but the naivety of being a young adult steered me to my first pack of American Spirits.

It started as a social thing for me… It made me feel like I “belonged” to something. My close friends smoked, and a boy I was trying to impress smoked, everyone at the bars smoked… I told myself it would only be a social thing when I was partying, but it did not take long for that occasional puff to turn into a full forced dependency.

I went from smoking at the bars to smoking any chance I had… in my car, on my breaks at work, after I ate a meal, and especially when in social situations that caused me anxiety (which at that point in my life was every social situation).

It only got worse when I started taking ADHD medication and would sit on my back porch with my best friend and chain smoke cigs until the early hours of the morning…

I no longer had any willpower against them and they quickly became my new best friend… or so I thought…

As the smoking continued, my outlook on it all became very unhealthy. I loved smoking so much but I also still hated the bastards so much! Every smoke I had I would beat myself up in my head for smoking it. I caused myself so much guilt for every puff, but still could not stop. There were times I didn’t give a shit because I loved them so much, but then there were times that I would try so hard to quit and when I couldn’t master it, I would fall back in 10 times harder almost smoking to make up for the lost time….

A nicotine rollercoaster…

It was almost as if this battle between my body and mind was taking place… my body would tell me to stop smoking, then I would attempt it and my mind would tell me, “No… you are not strong enough to overcome this, you love nicotine, you need nicotine…”

Any time I would fail I would tell myself I had no will power and that I was weak… making excuse after excuse for myself as to why I couldn’t quit smoking. These excuses justified my addiction in my own head…

Well today marks 5 weeks of me being nicotine free (aside from one spliff smoked about halfway through) which is why I am writing this blog today… to share with you what finally helped me overcome this dependency that for 4 years I told myself I would never beat…

The most important step for me in quitting was self- love:

Over the past year, and especially the last few months I hit an enormous turning point in my healing journey to self-love… I remember sitting down about a week before I officially quit smoking and made a list of the positive and negatives of smoking cigarettes… obviously, my negatives outweighed my positives, but what really helped me in the process was looking at the list of negatives and thinking about causing that sort of harm to someone in my life that I really truly loved… the thought was horrifying. I could never cause such harm to my loved ones so why was I doing it to myself?

It was in that moment that the abundant love that I now have for myself completely took over any want or desire to smoke a cigarette. After this epiphany occurred quitting nicotine almost came naturally…

0f1a4c772a983ebf7a9d64367ad496a1

Along with the power of self-love there were a few other things that really helped me in holistically overcoming my nicotine addiction…

First and foremost was meditation:

I began meditating on the topic… imagining all the horrible toxins that were entering my body every time I puffed on a cigarette… the images that overcame my mind were disgusting… a black thick tar seeping down my throat and into my lungs leaking out and taking over my entire body. I could see all my organs shriveling up through oxygen deprivation as this tar took over… slowly killing me from the inside out…

I would then imagine the strength of my mind reminding me of how good it felt to smoke that cigarette, the act of smoking, the smell and taste of it, the way it felt when the nicotine rushed to my brain… all of it soooo good in my mind and those thoughts so strong, but as I did these imagery meditations the tar that I saw building up inside of me began leaking out of my brain helping me realize that those thoughts were really just the nicotine addiction speaking causing me weakness so it could continue taking over my body.

Through all of this I came to the realization that I needed to cleanse myself of this black tar… not just physically through diet and detoxes but also energetically. If I really wanted to overcome this I needed to strengthen my own will power and balance my chakras.

Alongside some juice cleanses and liver detoxes I began meditating every morning focusing on one chakra at a time. I began my meditation with the image of myself lying on the ground full of this thick sticky black tar that was feeding off my insides… I then began to imagine with each breath I took a powerful white light of energy working its way through each of my chakras breaking up this dark tar and eventually disintegrating it.

I have tried to make it a point to do this meditation once a day for the last 5 weeks. Keeping the image of this black tar fresh on my mind has drastically helped me stay on track.

Here is a link to a small overview of the 7 chakras and their correlation to addiction that I found interesting and beneficial in my healing process!

The next thing that really helped the process was herbs or plant medicine:

The power of plant medicine ceases to amaze me every time I learn more and am able to apply my new knowledge to my life… a couple years back my naturopath gave me a tincture that contains Oat straw, Skullcap, Licorice root, Lobelia, and St. john’s wort to help me quit smoking. I never really used it until this attempt to quit and it truly was a game changer… The key ingredient in this tincture was the Lobelia or “Indian Tobacco”, which is an herb that acts in the same way as nicotine as far as how it triggers our neurotransmitters and dopamine levels in the nervous system, but does not have the negative side effects of nicotine nor is it addictive.

 

The healing properties of these herbs as defined in my “Prescriptions for Natural Healing Encyclopedia” are as follows (you may also click here for more online information on the specific uses/ benefits when used to stop nicotine addiction):

  • Oat straw: Has antidepressant properties, acts as a restorative nerve tonic, and promotes sweating. Good for depression and insomnia
  • Skullcap: Aids sleep, improves circulation, and strengthens the heart muscle. Good for anxiety, fatigue, cardiovascular disease, headache, hyperactivity, nervous disorders, and rheumatism. Relieves muscle cramps, pain spasms, and stress. Useful in treating barbiturate addiction and drug withdrawal
  • Licorice Root: Cleanses the colon, decreases muscular spasms, increases fluidity of mucus in the lungs and bronchial tubes, and promotes adrenal gland function.
  • Lobelia: A cough suppressant and relaxant that aids in hormone production and reduces cold symptoms and fever. Beneficial in the treatment of asthma, bronchitis, colds and flu, and cardiovascular disease. Has nicotine like effects on the body.
  • John’s Wort: Good for depression and anxiety. Lung, bronchial tract and blood detoxifier.

Another way in which I used herbs to heal was by smoking a joint that contained marijuana mixed with an herbal blend to aid in lung detoxification. The full ingredient list of the herbal blend I used is unknown as it was a homemade mix given to me by a friend but I know the main ingredient was Mullen. There are many recipes and premade blends online including how to make you’re your own blends found here.

For me not only was the herbal blend medicinally beneficial but I feel that it aided in helping me stop the actual physical habit of smoking. The act of smoking is the habit side of it, whereas the chemical reaction of the nicotine and its affects in the body is the addiction side of it. When I was able to smoke a joint during a craving and have the physical act of smoking no longer correlate with nicotine, it allowed my neurotransmitters to reprogram themselves. In about two weeks I noticed the lack of satisfaction I was receiving from the physical act of smoking something and now do not need the herbal blend.

(Always remember when using holistic healing approaches and plant medicine, just because it is a “natural alternative” does not mean it does not have negative side effects… everyone’s bodies and health status is different… please consult professionals or find other adequate ways to educate yourself on herbal remedies and plant medicine!)

Another very beneficial part in stopping my habit was changing my diet and eating patterns:

For me I found that eating smaller, more easily digestible meals made it easier to quit… I have a pretty bad digestive system and nicotine acts as a digestive aid, so adjusting my meal sizes and steering clear of dairy products and heavy meals helped me curve my need to smoke after a meal. I also drastically reduced my caffeine intake replacing it with dandelion tea which is a liver and blood detoxifier… the less nicotine in my system the less cravings. I also have been very conscious of the amount of water I have been drinking as that is key in detoxing your body!

And last but certainly not least, a huge part of my success in all this was daily affirmations and positive self-talk:

No long defining myself as a smoker drastically helped my mindset and my willpower in all of this. In previous attempts to quick smoking I viewed myself as a smoker who is trying to quit but this time around, the day I quit smoking was the day I was no longer a smoker…

Every morning before I leave my house I look in the mirror and I tell myself, “You are not a smoker… your love for yourself is unmeasurably stronger than any want or desire to poison your body with nicotine, and no matter what you are feeling inside you do not NEED nicotine you WANT it, and just because you want something does not mean you can have it… In life, you can’t always get what you want, but you always have what you need… what you have today is the NEED to heal your body and start treating it as the temple to your soul.”

Now, when I am in social situations where smoking is taking place I try not to tell people, “I recently quit smoking” or “I am trying to quit smoking”, I now tell them, “I AM NOT A SMOKER”.

I am also constantly reminding myself of my inner strength and will power, because in my opinion when you are aware of and honor that internal power you become unstoppable!

I also want to add that this did not happen over night, nor was it easy… a lot of failed attempts (or speed bumps as I like to call them) had to take place to finally reach where I am at.

016c19df8742c1a16a8a02c7b71fd9a7

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anahata: The Heart Chakra

Location: Middle of the chest

Age of Resonance: 28-35

Color: Green = heart protector, gold/pink = sacred heart

Symbol: Cresent moon

Stone: Rose quartz, diamond, peridot

Angle: Archangel Raphael

Spiritual Activity: self-love, love for others ,prayer, healing, singing, joyful adventures

Physical Activity: yoga, massage, healing touch, walking, dancing

Mantra: Om Mani Pad Me Hum

03298e3ba7491cb5591c74d0de5057ca

The heart chakra… the governor of your heart and lungs. The keeper of your past hurts and your biggest fears. When shut off or blocked it is the fueler of hatred towards yourself and others, anger, jealousy, ignorance, and grief.

When cleared, and open it is the fueler of empathy and compassion, unconditional love of self and others, and the singer of your heart song.

In the early stages of development our heart chakra is opened, as I am sure you can imagine or remember the pure unconditional love of a child. As we age, our lives begin to condition us and our heart chakra begins to close down.

As a child you begin to develop fears based off of your experiences. Your parents and siblings, abuse and neglect, your classmate who bullies you on the bus, the first boy/girl to break your heart, the insecurities feed by media and celebrities… these are all things that close off our heart chakras. All of these outside factors are the fuelers of this negative wall of energy we build up as we mature, in hopes of protecting our sacred heart.

Our heart chakra is made up of two parts, your heart protector and your actual heart or sacred heart as I like to refer to it. Our heart protector is the wall of energy built up around our sacred heart. As we grow old and develop fears, grief, and jealousy our heart protector is fueled with this negative energy which creates that brick wall around our hearts. This dark black wall hinders the ability of our sacred heart to function properly. The stronger we build that dark wall the more closed off your heart chakra becomes.

I spent years of my life building up that horribly dense dark wall around my delicate golden heart. I had so much fear and insecurities piling up inside of me it was impossible for me to let love in or give it out. I was stuck in this rut unable to give or receive unconditional love.

I then discovered the act of forgiveness. Not that I didn’t know what forgiveness was, but I was finally able to apply it to my life. I let go off all my past hurts. I let go of any grudges I had been holding onto, I let go of all my fears.

It was not an easy process but there were a handful of things that really helped me release all of this negativity that was clogging up my heart center.

The most important thing I found in my healing journey was surrounding myself with kind positive people. People who unconditionally loved me. For it was being around these people that I truly learned how to unconditionally love myself. You can read as many books, blogs, articles and quotes on unconditional love but until you have actually experienced it and observed it you will never be able to fully grasp what it means.

I also found it to be essential to unconditionally love yourself because until you figure that one out you will not truly be able to unconditionally love someone else. It is said that when our heart chakra is broken our mana or life force flows back into our solar plexus chakra which is the chakra of personal identity and self-love. By flowing back to this chakra our life force strengthens through a sense of selfhood and self- love, and once recharged flows back to the heart chakra to begin healing.

Another critical aspect in learning unconditional love is being in nature. For me being in nature is a very spiritual experience, for I see Mother Earth as our creator. She is us and we are her. Just as the trees and plants came to be, so did we.

It is said that the first unconditional love you will ever experience is that of your Mother. A bond like nothing else. I relate to this in a physical connection with my human mother, as well as in a spiritual connection with my creator. In many cultures and religions, it is believed that your heart is the keeper of your individual holly spirit. Through strengthening my connection and relationship to nature as my higher power I was able to disintegrate that dark dense wall.

The third thing that really helped in opening my heart chakra was healing my inner child. Most all of my fears that I had been holding onto were rooted in my childhood. In the last couple months I have done many meditations and writing exercises that healed my inner child. I was able to let go of my fears and insecurities which allowed my heart to blossom like a delicate lotus flower.

Once I was able to diminish that wall of darkness without even trying I began fueling my heart protector with unconditional love, empathy, compassion, and deeply connected relationships. Through fueling my protector with these things I was able to build up not a wall but a light force that is stronger than any wall my fears and insecurities ever could have created.

And now with this light force I am able to give and receive love unconditionally. My heart finally feels whole and I can access the holly power that is within me.

A heart chakra affirmation that I like to use from The Book of Chakras by Ambika Wauters

ALL LOVE

Resides with in my heart.

I am quiet and listen to my heart’s song.

I choose to be united with all beings, visible an invisible, in the realm of love and light.

I anchor my heart in truth, love, and God’s grace.

Love opens and heals me.

I choose the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I am love, I am peace, I am light.

I follow my heart’s desire for truth and goodness and love.

My core is pure and innocent. Nothing can touch the soul of my heart except love itself.

God’s love fills me and opens my heart to all goodness.

Joy is my reason for living.

I look for the joy in myself and see it in all things.

I delight in sharing my joy.

I let my heart shine and give from the depths of my being to those who accept love.

 

ABOVE ALL REMEMBER WE ARE LOVE. EVERYTHING IS LOVE.

e95d7508204f05308d370fa16b347eed

I am alive and on my way!!!

14102165_10207724907061979_4130346101015100393_n

Poetry and writing are both something I enjoyed greatly in my younger years, but lost sight of throughout high school. Something I was always good at but never pursued due to fear of my work being judged… I know!… Silly Me…

Well now at 25 years old I have found writing to be one of the best tools in learning more about myself and expressing it outwardly.

All of my poetry relates to different times in my life, different lessons learned, different emotions and of course people whose journeys have crossed paths with mine!

I have found writing to be a great way to allow more vulnerability into my life without the intensity of revealing my inner workings face to face with someone.

As a person who has struggled for years and years with insecurities and sever social anxiety, it is not always easy to express my deeper parts face to face… Had you met me 5 years ago, my poetry and journal entries were something I kept locked up really close to my heart, for no one to even know they existed.

Now here I am starting a blog with my main focus being to share with you my journey to self love through my poetry and writing… as well as many other creative pursuits and adventures.

This blog is something that I should have started about a year ago… but better late than never is one of my life mottos!

This poem I am about to share with you all is from a writing prompt that I remembered using in a high school English class as a “getting to know you” assignment at the beginning of the school year.

I wrote this poem about 2 years ago, as an exercise to learn about myself, for I had spent most of my years up until that point trying to hide myself and become someone I thought people would “approve” of more.

I cannot express in words how powerful it is for me to be able to share these words with you all and be proud and excited to do so.

Here is a bit of me in a nutshell of a poem….

I am alive and on my way…

I wonder about the stars and the moon

I hear nature whisper a sweet gentle tune

I see spirits float on the leaves of the tree

I want the world to be at ease

I am alive and on my way …

I pretend I am a gypsy

I feel the flutter of a fairies wings

I touch the sound of a bird who sings

I worry about the ones that I love

I cry for the ones who need one to take hold of

I am alive and on my way …

I understand we are one in the same but carry on different roles

I say the universe is apart of all of our souls

I dream the world to know peace in the most abundant and beautiful way

I try to find love in all who I meet despite what people may say

I hope to be loved for all that I am every glorious and painful day

I am alive and on my way

For those of you looking for ways to incorporate writing as a tool to aid in your self healing or as I like to call it “journey to self love”here are some links to some websites and writing prompts that I have found useful…

I am poem writing prompt

30 Journaling Prompts for Self- Reflection and Self-Discovery

18 powerful journaling prompts for Self-Discovery and Healing

img_5490

Thanks for reading!!!!

~Namaste

From depression, booze, drugs and sex…to soul shinning, ocean bathed gypsy dreams…

WARNING: this one has a little length to it but had to get my background story out to you all! Hope you enjoy!! 

Self-Love… what a crazy concept. It has taken me 25 years to really start delving into what it means to love yourself. I have always said my whole life, “of course I love myself! why would I not love myself?”

I would tell myself I was worthy, I would tell myself I was normal, I would tell myself I was unique and beautiful, but I was lying to myself because I did not actually believe these things.

My family would tell me I was worthy, they would tell me I was unique and beautiful (never normal though they knew better than that 🙂 ) but I never believed them. I told myself they said these things because they were my family and they had to feel that way.

I did NOT love myself.

As much as I tried to love myself, every morning when I looked in the mirror all I saw were my flaws. I picked myself apart so much before I even left my house that it became impossible to love myself.

Constantly comparing myself to others, so wrapped up in fear of others thoughts and judgments towards me, I was paralyzed.

I remember the first time I attempted to suck my tummy in to hide my disgusting fat roll for a class picture. I was 8 years old.

High school consisted of puking almost every morning before I entered my classroom due to nerves, literally not being able to speak back to fellow classmates when talked to because of anxiety clenching my throat shut, on and off eating disorders, mild thoughts of suicide, and of course I wore a fabulous mask to hide all of this from my few friends and my family.

It honestly got to the point that I didn’t even know who “myself” was anymore because whoever that person was, was so disliked and unworthy in my mind that I put all my energy into not being that person.

Such a crazy mind twist you can play on yourself.

As I exited high school at 17 years old, more lost and scared than ever before, I became determined to lose those uncomfortable feelings of not knowing who you are or where you belong.

So, I took myself and my suitcase full of self-image and self-confidence issues, and extreme social anxiety and I catapulted myself into the box of a world I now refer to as American Society or the “American Dream”.

I needed to start the cycle of events that were going to make my life complete and make me feel whole and successful and worthy of someone else’s love.

Over the next 7 years I jumped on the roller-coaster of going to college, dropping out of college, going back to college, flunking out of college, multiple degree changes, student loans piling up faster than one can realize, and then landing a job waiting tables making more money than I ever would in my “chosen career path”. Oh, and let us not forget that that fabulous mask that I wore in high school was practically super glued to my face by this point.

As I was riding this high -speed roller coaster all I wanted to do was scream a murderous scream, loud enough to break the mirror that always revealed the reflection of this person I hated so much, but I couldn’t even do that because my anxiety was still clenching my throat shut.

I couldn’t stand it anymore! I needed to find a release or a solution, and to the rescue came my good friend the bottle, full of that sweet boozy nectar I now refer to as death.

But ohhh boy did I think I found a solution to my problem. Get a few drinks in me and I felt that my whole world had changed. It became my social clutch. It let loose the person I had been avoiding for so long, and it turned out people could actually stand being around that person…

But the booze was not enough. I quickly caught wind of ADHD medications and had to get my hands on some. I knew it was going to make me lose a bunch of weight which is what I felt was holding me back from people liking me… because I was fat and ugly. I truly thought that if I could lose some weight that I would find a boyfriend, and an awesome group of girlfriends and would forever be happy.

So, to the family counselor I went…

I lied out my ass for one counseling session and the prescription was in my hand. Easy peasy lemon squeezy… 70 mg per day of Vyvanse I was now super woman.

Within one month I was 20 lbs. lighter, was drinking heavily (more than before), and empty American spirit packs were quickly accumulating on the floor board of my car.

Let’s not forget to mention the Adderall I began snorting on top of my already high dose of Vyvanse.

Life was grand.

I had never felt so confident and happy with myself in my entire life. Now, I am not saying that all my self-confidence issues and anxiety disappeared but a drastic change had taken place. I could talk to boys for the first time in my life, I finally lost my virginity to a guy whose name I have a hard time remembering now, I had friends, and I could walk into a public establishment by myself with-out fear crippling my insides.

I continued down this path living the high life for a couple years before the side effects of methamphetamines started really taking a toll. My body hurt deep into my bones. My organs were yelling at me. My skin was getting a yellowish tint to it. I was extremely irritable and moody. I could not stand my family members, I had no appetite, I never slept and if I did was never refreshed or revived, and that loneliness and unworthiness was stronger now than ever before. I put up with it for close to one more year before deciding that the positive side effects of all that I was doing was no longer out weighing the negative side effects.

The Adderall was already in the past, and the booze and the cigarettes were wrapped tight around my little finger and were not going anywhere, so Vyvanse had to go.

I began seeing a naturopath who recommended weening off the pills, but I wanted it out of my body. I didn’t have a month to slowly stop pumping myself with methamphetamines. So out the window went the pills, all my paper prescriptions were ripped and crumpled and I roughly tumbled my way through a week and a half or so of withdrawal.

It was not easy but I knew it is what needed to be done. The depression and feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness came flying at me like a semi-truck cruising down highway 97. I slept for at least a week straight aside from going to work. I had no desire to be around people. I smoked a lot of weed (thank god for weed during all this btw), and probably ate more food in two weeks than I had in three years.

As the weight began to pile back on my midsection those disgusting thoughts towards myself crushed me to pieces.

It was about this time that I discovered Tinder and cocaine… from one extreme to the next… that’s how I like to roll…

I began filling that loneliness with boys and sex. Jumping from one tinder hook up to the next trying so fucking hard to fill that emptiness. But it only grew worse. I thought that having sex with all these boys was going to make me feel loved and wanted, beautiful and whole. All it did was tear me apart. I would hit it off with some deliciously handsome fella, sleep with him (normally on the first date) and most the time never hear back from them. In the handful of relations that were a little longer than a one night stand there was a lot of cheating and lying and even more heartbreak.

Why couldn’t I find a boy who actually likes me for me? All these boys were using me for was a sexy dance partner and a quickie after a show at the domino room.

I knew that hooking up with someone was not the best way to find a boyfriend which is what I so desperately desired, but I truly felt that I had to sleep with these boys in order to be liked by any of them, and eventually one of them would stay. Right?

Nope Nope Nope that is not how my cookie crumbled. I spent almost two solid years playing this game. Going out multiple nights a week normally with a different boy who would buy me drinks, give me drugs and make me feel loved… until morning that is when the hangover kicked in and I was doing the walk of shame back to my car downtown.

Throughout all this nonsense believe it or not I was a preschool teacher. Preschool teacher by day slut by night that’s what I used to say… I pulled it off so well because that mask I plastered on in high school was no longer a mask it was now a part of me. I prided myself in being the best possible teacher I could be. I loved those children and their families so damn much, I could never let them see the real me outside of work.

Those children I worked with were the only things keeping me going. They brought so much simplicity, love, light, laughter and joy into my life. I fell in love with each and every one of them and it was through working with these children that I realized that I was once like them too. So, full of love and happiness for myself and for others. This realization brought up so many questions for myself… when did I lose sight of this? Why did I lose sight of this? How do I get this back?

By now things were getting pretty bad. I was an emotional mess all the time!! I could barely keep it together at work anymore. Once I would get all my kids to sleep in the nap room I would sit in there and cry because it was all I could do anymore. I was beginning to realize that because of my mental and emotional state of being I was no longer providing the children with what I thought to be what they deserved. Not to say I was neglecting my students or not carrying out my duties as a teacher but I felt I could not fully be there for them anymore because I was so torn down and distracted by my own life.

This is when I decided a drastic change was needed. It was time to lighten my load and take a backpack to Hawaii. I gave notice to my job which actually took me 5 months to finally be done with because I loved that place and everyone there so much. I picked up a second job waiting tables through the summer to be able to save up enough money to make this trip happen, and I started getting rid of all my belongings. I found a yoga retreat center that I was going to volunteer at and submerge my life into yoga and meditation. Hoping to find some clarity and guidance.

By August something had changed… I decided I was not going to Hawaii. I canceled plans, tried to get a ticket refund (what a joke lol) and continued down the path I had been going down for years now. I blamed my change in plans on financial reasons, family issues and a handful of other things but in reality, it was fear that made me change my mind.

Fear of the unknown, fear of failing, fear of not knowing what it was I was looking for FEAR FEAR FEAR.

I fucking hate fear!

Thankfully at the end of September I met this boy one night after a show. Of course, I was really fucked up (I honestly barley remember meeting him), and woke up in bed with him the next morning. Him and his friends were traveling through the area heading down to rainbow gathering in Nor Cal. Their car was broken down and they were stuck in bend for the week. I was housesitting at the time so they crashed with me and it was a week full of sex and booze and all that good stuff I kept using to drowned my sorrows. Thankfully though, this boy was a gift from mama Maui… He had spent his last two winters in Hawaii… we spent hours talking about the islands and he kept telling me to just buy my ticket and go. I don’t need money I don’t need plans he kept saying if I am supposed to be there the islands will take care of me, and that is exactly what they did.

As tempted as I was to jump in the car and go to rainbow gathering with them I waved goodbye as they drove off in their little red beater of a car. The next day I re-booked my flight to Hawaii found a hippie commune to stay at and really started getting rid of my belongings.

On Tuesday November 11th 2015 I was dropped off deep in the jungle of the Puna district on the Big Island of Hawaii. Upon entering this hippie commune at the end of the red road I had never felt my body tremble in fear the way it did that night. It was Tuesday night which meant community taco feed and drum circle. There was probably 40-50 trippin’ hippies eating and dancing and laughing and singing… having a grand ole time… I was completely frozen.

I stayed at this community for 5 days, barley could talk to anyone because I was so crippled in fear. Shaken up by culture shock, and unsure of how to deal with the intense masculine energy controlling the commune. I had no cell service which meant I was unable to contact anyone from back home making the situation even more terrifying. I hadn’t cried all week, I hadn’t laughed all week, I was not angry, I was not happy… all I was, was FEAR.

On the fifth morning of being there I woke up in my tent and started crying. I sat there and cried like I have never cried before. Sobbing hysterically, unable to breath it was like nothing I’d ever felt before. As I sat there and cried I started to feel empowered. I decided to myself I needed to venture out of the commune. In order to do this I was going to have to lighten my load. I brought way too much with me and couldn’t hitch out with it all, so for the next hour I sat in my tent and continued to cry while I prioritized my belongings.

That day was the biggest turning point in my journey to self-love….

For three months, I stayed on the Big Island bouncing around to different communities and properties. Crossing paths with so many amazing beautiful human beings. Eating psychedelics for the first time. Connecting to the Aina in a way I never imagined possible. Healing my scars and my pain through ecstatic dance. I let everything about that magical island begin to heal me from the inside out.

After three months, I went to Maui with a group of friends and continued down the path of healing and loving myself. I remember my third day on Maui I was sitting on the beach by myself. I had just finished a little yoga session and I decided to try meditation with a carnelian stone that was given to me by an amazing brother. I held this stone to my chest and imagined its light and energy pulsing through me. I meditated on this for maybe 5 minutes or so before the tears came flooding out of me.

Hysterically crying and then laughter. So much laughter and disbelief. This was the moment I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so at peace with myself. No anxiety, no fear, no judgment. Just peace and acceptance. To this day, it was one of the most magical empowering feelings I have ever felt.

After that meditation, I began writing in my journal and these words literally flew out of me…

Today my heart aches in so many ways

it aches from the pain endured in past days.

It aches from the shadows that hide it away.

It aches from the touches both good and both bad.

But mostly it aches for the love not yet had.

My heart strings are tugging they want to break free.

They want the world to see the real me.

The darkness, the lightness the good and the bad.

Mind set it free, before I go mad.

Breath it all in, breath it all out.

Let the turquoise waves was away all your doubt.

The stars are aligning, while mountains your climbing.

Once reached the top shout it all out.

Let the world hear the ringing of the love in your heart.

Let your soul float about like delicate art.

The world around you has taken you in.

Building you up from deep within.

Stand tall and remember your heart will shine through

if you laugh and you smile and stay true to you.

After this moment, I felt that there was no turning back. Through the rest of my time in Hawaii and the months following that, all I could focus on was letting my heart shine through!

Through my adventures, my reflection, and my drastic growth I found where I went wrong so many years ago. I found where my unhappiness lied. And I found what I needed to change in order to live a happy life!

Stay tuned with my blog as I continue to share stories, memories, adventures, opinions, facts, recipes, prayers, poems, and much more that have all been a part of my healing journey to self-love.

“Sometimes the Places You Dream Arn’t Always the Places You Sleep…”

 

img_5310

Wow! one year ago today I posted this picture on facebook (Click here for original post) with the caption, “Sometimes the places you dream are not always the places you sleep.”

Looking at this picture brings back so many magical memories, emotions, feelings, thoughts and dreams… reminiscing on my morning walks to work at the local fruit stand I can literally feel the Mana pulsing through my calloused bare feet.

For those of you unsure of the word mana, as defined in my Hawaiian Magic and Spirituality book by Scott Cunningham, “mana is the spiritual power possessed in vast amounts by the gods, goddesses, and family ancestral spirits; in lesser quantity by humans. Ones use of Mana is the practice of magic.”

In my own words mana is a spiritual power, an unseen (or possibly seen if tuned in to its frequency) energy that resides in all creation. It is the Hawaiian spirituality that is so deeply rooted in the land that it is impossible not to be affected by its beauty and magic.

Upon returning to the states after my six months on island, many were noticing a major difference in me. My beliefs, my thoughts, how I presented myself, how I saw myself, how I saw the world and those around me… everything had changed for the better… And many people were asking me why… What was so special about Hawaii? What was it about that place that allowed you to change and heal so much?

The best answer I could come up with was mana…

Here is a journal entry from December 15, 2015… about a month into being on Big I…

” As I walk along this volcanic land I feel Pele tickle my feet. Encouraging me to let loose and play a little bit.

I look around and am reminded to stop, take a deep breath, and let my worries and doubts get washed away by the churning waves of the ocean… 

Stop looking for answers…

Just be and the answers will find me. The answers are all around on this intensely magical land. The answers are floating along the leaves and vines of the rich, lush tropical jungle that I now call home…

The answers are in the  waves beating against the lava shores changing and transforming it into delicate soft sand. The answers are in all the souls and energies that have been circling around me.

Pele Please help me open my eyes to the answers.

Mahalo”   

This was written before I had even heard of the word mana, but without knowing what it was I knew it was there…

Mana is in everything, it is everything as everything is it… As the ancient Hawaiians and Polynesians believed,  the deities of their culture posses the highest amount of mana. As you will see once you become more accustomed to their culture, these deities are not just gods and goddesses made into statues or totems of worship, but they are the land and they are us… these deities or Akua which is the Hawaiian term, assume many different bodies…

The plants that make up the vast vibrant jungles, a fish swimming along side you as you dive in deep with your snorkel mask, the birds soaring high above the foggy mountain peaks, the lava rock that continuously forms from deep down at the earths core, a grain of sand stuck between your sun kissed toes, your naked bare body dancing in the moonlight to the sounds of drums and chanting… It is ALL mana.

Just being on those islands, eating the fresh fruit, feeling the rush of adrenaline as I jumped off waterfalls and cliffs, hearing a kind “Aloha” shouted by a passerby as I laid on the beach, seeing a family of turtles resting on the shore side, smelling the salty fresh air as I rode in the back of a pickup truck down the Hana highway during many hitch hiking adventures….

Through all of my emotional, mental and sensory experiences on those islands I became in tune with the divine power of the Universe, and it is through these same experiences that the ancient Hawaiians based their spirituality or religion upon.

They didn’t need a regulated religion or book telling them of this divine power. They didn’t need mystical theories and tales to understand and connect to this higher power. Their religion is the land, their religion is mana.

Sense leaving the islands I have stayed tuned in and aware of the mana that surrounds me as well as the mana that runs through me and creates my very essence, and with this I have made leaps and bounds in my healing journey towards self-love.

According to the ancient Hawaiians there are two types of mana…

The first one being the mana you are born with. It is a gift from the deities and is what gives people the extraordinary power to do whatever they desire. Finding that buried power in myself I realized that I really can live my life how ever the hell I want to live my life and was finally able to stop trying to fit into this box that for so long I though I had to fit into.

The second type of mana is an acquired mana. Learning a craft or trade. Finding your nitch, such as medicine woman, farmer, or woodworker… artist, mediator, or therapist. whatever it is that you are passionate and skilled at, and through that skill or trade you are embedded with this second type of mana.

For me I relate this to breaking out of that box and letting my inner mana guide me into fully being myself and discovering what it was I was passionate about and skilled at and this is a key step in loving yourself. Finding out who you are, embracing your authentic self and letting that soar you into dreams that you once never thought possible.

I will end this post with a poem I wrote right before I left the islands… and ode to the island of Maui, or as many refer to as “Mama Maui”…

Mama Maui your magic touch swirls around me and lifts me up 

Up above the land and the sea, opening new worlds I had yet to see. 

The conscious way you allow me to play, tickles my soul through and through. 

A faerie world now brought into view, creating space to recharge and renew. 

I now see the light, through all three of my eyes, not just the two that were shut off from view. 

A sight long forgotten, buried in past lives, it was there all along, I have now realized. 

Its in you, its in me, in the sand and the seas. It speaks to me through your warm ocean breeze. 

Through the moon it embraces me, whispering away, all my fears that try to come play. 

Bringing me gratitude each passing day, the lightness you’ve shown me blows me away. 

Up up and away like a bird taking flight, soaring about through the dark endless night. 

Come morning re-grounded, as the bright golden rays remind me to hold with me through all of my days…

the magic that shimmers in your turquoise waves. 

 

 

 

Oh Mother, Oh Moon

 

 

Oh mother oh moon in the dark of the night

I hear your howls, I see your tears shinning bright

Moon beams piercing me with a force no one can see

But I feel you in my being, I am you and you are me

Tonight I will howl back to you, let my voice send shivers abound

Tonight I will dance for you, Whirling about like a merry go round

Tonight I will gather from the unknown realms

The witches and wizards whom heal sacred grounds

In your full moon light you will see them shine bright

Releasing their magic, keepers of the night

My denuded being reflecting to you

the powerful paleness that makes you, you

My bumps and my bruises, my wounds deep with pride

Soak up that sweet nectar your moon beams provide

Opalescent moon dew, rejuvenate my soul

Sending me off down that ole rabbit hole

Come morning awakened by the dawns early sun

Your faintness still lingers, a lover on the run

Wanning and waxing until we are one.

 

 

February’s full moon is referred to as the Snow moon by many Native American tribes.

You may also hear it referred to as the Trapper’s Moon, Budding Moon, Bony Moon, Little Famine Moon, Moon of the Raccoon, Moon When Trees Pop, Hunger Moon and Storm Moon. These are all names from different tribes and cultures around the world.

The naming of the moons originates from cultures who do or did not follow the Julian or Gregorian calendar system (most specifically Native Americans). They track time through the seasons and the lunar cycles. As you will notice most of the lunar names listed relate to snow, the start of spring, or trapping. Depending on where you are at in the world, February can either be a time of many snow storms or it can be the beginning of spring where the ground starts to melt and the seeds start stirring beneath Earth’s surface. February was also seen as the best time to catch beaver, fox, and mink as their fur is fullest this time of year.

As the new moon is a time to plant our seeds and cultivate our manifestations for the upcoming moon cycle, the full moon is a time of culmination. It is when her energy and power is at its peak. The full moon light in all her glory illuminates the things in our lives that are holding us back from reaching our full potential. She Illuminates the aspects of our lives that are no longer serving us She brings to focus that which we need to let go of.

Representing a time of death or change, releasing our shadows during the full moon allows room for the seeds planted during the new moon to blossom.

 

In the past few months I have been considering different Moon rituals and ceremony’s. There is so much information on the internet today it can be a bit overwhelming when researching such a topic. I found myself coming across many rituals that were all very similar but unique in their own way.

So how do you choose?

For starters, always remember there is no right or wrong way to communicate and call upon the moon. Her force is with us always controlling the tides of the ocean, and controlling the tides of our lunar cycles. She is a part of us and we are a part of her.

 

I feel it is important to foster your personal relationship with the moon. We are all different… We tune into energy in our own ways, we give and receive in our own ways, we communicate in our own ways so find what works for you.

The one universal aspect of all rituals I have found is creating your sacred place to perform the ritual, as well as writing down what it is that you need to let go of and burning it during your ceremony.

Aside from those two things do what works for you!

Create a sacred place that contains your power tools… Your favorite crystals, your favorite candles, your favorites essential oils and incense, music, tarot cards, singing bowls or bells, sacred herbs to be smoked or burned etc.

For me personally my sacred space is my altar and meditation zone. It is the space I spend my waking minutes at as well as the minutes leading to sleep each night…

Here is an overview of my personal full moon ritual…

  1. Preparing my space: because my altar is always set up, for me my preparation includes writing on a piece of paper what it is I am letting go of, pouring a glass of water (to put burned paper in), rolling a joint with marijuana and lavender, lighting my incense, applying essential oils, lighting my candles and smudging myself, my altar and my tarot cards with sage.

Some say that white candles and crystals as well as lavender and frankincense are best, as white represents lunar power and the scents are associated with the moon, but again I say use whatever speaks to you (to me that is what will be most powerful).

 

I then smoke the first half of my joint as I clear my head space and begin imagining the moons light shining down through the top of my head and spreading throughout my entire being.

 

  1. Prayer: I begin with three Oms as I feel it ignites my inner power and I then recite a prayer, chant or poem (as some may call it). The prayer I now use is one I wrote during last month’s Wolf Moon which is written at the start of my post…
  2. Tarot: Shuffling my Angle Oracle cards, I call upon them to connect with the lunar energy surrounding me and focus on what it is I am letting go off. I ask my cards to guide me in moving on from those things. I then lay a past, present, future spread. I interpret the cards as follows:
  • Past: energies that have been let go of or that need to be put in the past
  • Present: where you are at in your spiritual journey, what energy you hold within yourself to guide you
  • Future: the energy the full moon is guiding you with
  1. Release: After my reading I then read aloud the words I have written on my paper and with each thing to let go of I finish with “Be Gone”. I then burn the paper, placing it in the glass of water as it nears the end. If I am really feeling it, at this time I will let out some howls to the moon!
  2. Closing: I then smudge myself and my altar again with sage as I feel it aids in the release of what was written on paper, ridding yourself of any lingering energy that may not have burned in the fire. I then smoke the second half of my joint while I express gratitude to my angles, my spirits and of course Mama de La Lune

 

As you become more comfortable and confident in your Moon rituals, tuning into the astrological aspects of the moons location and energy will amplify your ceremony and results.

For example, this snow moon is at 22 degrees in Leo which opens up unhealed wounds and past hurts while igniting our inner lioness allowing us the courage and strength to heal those wounds and charge forward.

leao3

 

Again, this is my personal ritual/ ceremony. Find what works for you… do some research try out some different approaches… All in all let your inner witch shine through and connect with our lovely moon for she will heal, amplify and ignite your life force.

… A few of my recent moon paintings… (sorry for all the low quality pictures, I will soon have a better camera!!)

Thanks for Reading! Happy Full Moon!!!!